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A proposed Australian Bill of She’ll be Rights, mate

Catherine Deveny
April 21, 2009

1. THE RIGHT TO REDEFINITION
ANY sportsman who has displayed the behaviour of a thug, an alcoholic, a violent sociopath or a rapist has the right to be described as a “rough diamond”, “loveable rogue” or “knockabout character” with a “heart of gold”.

2. THE RIGHT TO FISH FOR COMPLIMENTS FROM FOREIGN VISITORS
CITIZENS have the right to ask foreigners: “How do you like Australia?” If the foreigner does not respond enthusiastically that “Australia is the greatest place in the world”, the foreigner is immediately to be deported and forced to wear a Ken Done “I Love Australia” T-shirt for the rest of their lives.

3. PROHIBITION TO EXCLUDE YOURSELF FROM A SHOUT
WHEN draining a few cans at a local establishment, no person is to undermine the liberty of his compatriots by refusing to participate in the shout — excuses of being a poof, having to get up early or being violently allergic to alcohol notwithstanding.

4. THE RIGHT TO CRINGE, CULTURALLY SPEAKING
a) WHEN watching a feature film from “overseas”, the appearance of any person with an Australian accent is to be heralded with the excited ejaculation: “That guy’s Australian. Did you hear that?”

b) Citizens must take every opportunity to remind fellow citizens that “we invented the Hills Hoist, the VCR and the wine cask”. “We” means all of us. It is prohibited to acknowledge the name of the individual responsible. When one wins, we all win. When one of us fails, they are unAustralian.

c) A citizen is honoured with the title “Our” when people from overseas acknowledge they exist; eg, “Our Hugh”, “Our Nic”, “Our Cate”, “Our Kylie” and “Our Mary, Princess Of Denmark”.

5. THE RIGHT TO BEAR JINGOS
THE flying of the Australian flag outside a person’s home or the wearing of an Australian flag to a sporting event is an unassailable right of the Australian citizen. It confirms their jingoism and reinforces their belief that Australia is better than Anywhere Else and, by extension, they are better than Anyone Else for living Here.

6. THE RESPONSIBILITY TO AUSTRALIANISE
CITIZENS are required to act “more Australian than Steve Irwin” when conversing with recently arrived visitors from “overseas”. Citizens are required to punctuate sentences with “bonza”, “sheila”, “crikey”, “strewth” and “cobber”, and to draw the visitors’ attention to our extreme weather and dangerous animals. It is imperative for citizens to imply that foreigners are weak and would be unable to live here because they “couldn’t hack it”. It is compulsory for citizens to extract an admission of defeat or inadequacy from the foreigner.

7. LADIES, BRING A PLATE 8. RIGHT FOR THE SURVIVAL OF OUR LANGUAGE
USE of the terms “Pull my finger”, “I’ve had a gutful”, “What are you looking at?”, “I shagged your sister”, “Come here and say that”, “You. Me. Car park. Now”, “While you’re down there”, “Have a stab”, and “Cracked the shits” is enshrined in this charter. So too the universal recognition that someone you call “a bastard” you are fond of but someone you call “a bit of a bastard” you are not.

9. RIGHT TO DENIAL
CITIZENS have the right to refuse to acknowledge the existence of Tall Poppy Syndrome by playing the Underdog Card. Identifying as an underdog comforts the citizen who is not successful enough to be a tall poppy, while conveying the impression they never wanted to be one anyway, because tall poppies are wankers and deserve to be cut down. Even though they don’t exist.

10. RIGHT TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT NEW ZEALANDERS
ALL citizens have the right to refer to Kiwis as “sheep shaggers”, categorically refusing to acknowledge that’s what the rest of the world calls us.

11. RIGHT TO CRACK OPEN A CAN OF ‘WHO GIVES A RATS?’
FEDERATION? Constitution? Words to the national anthem? Stuffed if I know.

12. UNIVERSAL AGREEMENT THAT OVER THE FENCE IS OUT

13. RIGHT TO CLAIM THE NORMAL HUMAN RESPONSE TO TRAGEDY AS ‘UNIQUELY AUSTRALIAN’
WHEN a national tragedy occurs, citizens must vicariously experience the event via media saturation of Trauma Porn. Citizens must comment on acts of compassion and assistance as “uniquely Australian” and “an intrinsic part of the Australian character”. Any suggestion this is a normal reaction and a universal response of the human spirit is prohibited.

14. RIGHT TO DEFEND OUR SLAGS, SCRAGS AND SCRUBBERS
CITIZENS are to be outraged when migrants call our women “sluts”. All citizens are obliged to uphold our women’s honour by strenuously asserting that we have the best sluts in the world, which is why they call this place the Lucky Country.

http://www.watoday.com.au/opinion/a-proposed-australian-bill-of-shell-be-rights-mate-20090421-ae2p.html?page=-1

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